How useless, this hole!
by Jack The Bard
Summary: Jarlaxle realizes the limitations of his extradimensional hole. R&R. Plz, no flames.


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**Ariel D commissioned me to make this, and her word is law. Long live Ariel D! Queen of Hilariousness!**

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Artemis Entreri and Jarlaxle the drow stood in the center of Damara's town square, looking on at a group of young adventurers, including Calihye, Entreri's lover. They all seemed to be fussing over a poster that had been tacked to the wall of an inn, and all the other buildings around, for that matter. The adventurers exclaimed something about a pair of runaway pets from King Gareth. One was named "Flopsy" and other was simply entitled "Killer." 

High bounties were offered for both of the creatures, one a rare breed of long-eared bunny; the other was a dinosaur, specifically a megaraptor. Both were to be brought back alive, and mostly unharmed.

Jarlaxle turned to Entreri and asked, "What's a megaraptor?"

Entreri didn't blame him. Megaraptors were a species rarely seen on the surface, let alone in the dank depths of the Underdark.

"Megaraptors are a species of dinosaur that have grown to the size of dragons, but have not gained the intelligence those damned winged lizards possess."

"Ohhhhhhh..." Jarlaxle replied, all of it making sense to him now, "I'll hunt down Flopsy."

Entreri jumped into the air like he had a flaming hot brand had been shoved onto his arse. "Who in the six hundred and sixty-six layers of the Abyss said we were even going on this insane venture?! Have you lost your mind?"

Jarlaxle wasn't listening, of course, for he was too busy thinking about how cute Flopsy must be.

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Entreri stomped through the marsh that Jarlaxle had told him that Killer was in, and swore as his foot got stuck in the mud a fourth time since he had first gotten there. "Jarlaxle had to go on this damn venture, and he sends me into the swamp looking for 'Killer the Megaraptor' whilst he goes off to the flower-filled meadows looking for 'Flopsy the Bunny!' May the fleas of his bed feast upon his parts." 

After his swearing spree, he spotted what seemed to be a bunny on a foot-high stump, with its ears laying in the muck. "Killer?" Entreri asked, and was surprised when the muddy rabbit jumped into his arms at hearing the sound of its name.

"Oh, dear." Was all the assassin could say as he held the now sleeping rabbit in his arms.

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Jarlaxle walked through the sunlit meadow, keeping a well trained eye (the other being covered by his mind-blocking eyepatch) open for the cute and cuddly bunny. So engaged he was in his search, that he barely even noticed the stomping footsteps of the megaraptor closing in behind him. Only when the beast's hot breath warmed the back of the mercenary's neck did he turn around to notice the thirty-something foot tall creature behind him. 

He turned and ran.

He ran aided with help from his boots, which bestowed speed along with many other enchantments, but haste was the only one he employed at this precise moment.

Jarlaxle snatched the magical cloth disc from his hat, and called upon its magic so he could reach within it and rummage around for something that could save his drow hide.

He pulled out the tiny guillotine he had designed for killing lobsters, should they ever try to kill his foot again, and threw it at the reptile chasing after him to no great effect. Next he pulled out his pet puppy, Garnet, frowned and stuffed him back into the hole, elicting a small yelp from the animal. He kept searching.

From the paradimensional device, he next produced a wand. Jarlaxle waved it at the beast, but only faltered as his legs proceeded to turn into mush underneath him, and he started to walk, still rather speedily, with his right knee coming up to his chest, and his left foot striking his buttocks with every step. "Damn Wand of Silly Walks" the drow muttered.

More and more ridiculous rubbish came out from the hole, including a can of lobster repellent, a thick piece of rothe ham stuck betwixt two slices of bread (which he promptly ate), several fake wands, another can of lobster repellent, a miniaturized fake wand factory, a log, and his puppy Garnet once again. Then the effects of the Wand of Silly Walks wore off.

Jarlaxle became more and more frustrated as more and more useless items came out of the hole, including a beaver's tail, a pie (which he chucked at the dinosaur in comic fashion), several pairs of silly-looking shoes, and a few more hats (including the bolero Jarlaxle often loaned to Entreri).

Fed up with the whole concept of having useless junk in his paradimensional hole, he flipped the device over, dropped it on the ground, and kept running.

The dumb beast fell right into the empty other side of the device.

From afar, Jarlaxle returned the hole into its original form of a scrap of black cloth. Picking the magical felt up, he grinned cruelly, and shook the device, causing several roars to arise from the trapped Flopsy.

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End file.
